Anger – the Misunderstood Emotion

Written By Lois Ingber

How many times have we said, “He made me angry,” or “I lost my temper.”  Have you ever been arguing with someone when another person walks in that you don’t want seeing you angry, and then instantly curb your anger?  In the first two situations, we typically think we have no control over our anger, while in the second, we can and do control this feeling. How can these both be true?
 
Just as no one can control our thoughts, neither can anyone control our feelings.  Feelings can be thought of as gas in the car: we decide where we’re going, but we need fuel to get us there.  So where are we going with anger?
 
Anger is the emotion we generate to strengthen our ability to overpower, defeat or remove an obstacle, in other words, to win a fight.  We don’t so much ‘lose’ our temper as ‘use’ our temper - to help us fight better.  This is the classic power struggle, and no one goes into a fight to lose!
 
It might be hard to accept that we are not innocent of our feelings.  However, we can view our feelings as a barometer to help us understand our role in an interaction.  We can recognize when we’re in a power struggle, wait until we’re calm, then take responsibility for our part.  Even though the other person may have contributed to the power struggle, the least helpful thing is focusing on what they should do, because they are more interested in protecting their dignity than hearing our ideas.  We always have a choice of what we do with our feelings, and we can choose to work toward win-win solutions.
 
“Our emotions always support our real intentions.”
“Emotions are our tools with which we are able to follow our personal convictions.  They are not our masters.”  

  • Rudolf Dreikurs -
    https://www.positivediscipline.com/articles/18-ways-avoid-power-struggles
     
    Challenge:  When feeling angry, reflect on who or what you might be trying to overpower or defeat.  Follow the steps outlined above, and see if there are any tools in the linked article above you can use (adapted for the situation).
     
    With recognition to Steven A. Maybell for the title of this article.
    Lois Ingber, LCSW, CPDLT
    Behavioral Counselor, Element Education
    lingber@myelement.org

Lois Ingber

LOIS INGBER, Behavioral Counselor, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Positive Discipline Lead Trainer.  Lois holds a Bachelor Degree in Sociology from UCLA and a Masters in Social Work degree from SDSU where her focus area was Children, Youth, and Families.  Lois has worked in social service, private practice, hospital, clinic, and school settings, most recently for seventeen years at Rady Children’s Outpatient Psychiatry providing school-based counseling services.  Lois was a Community Montessori and Dehesa parent prior to joining the staff in 2016 and brings this perspective to her role.   Lois is responsible for providing education, collaboration, and support implementing the Positive Discipline model and social/emotional competencies in the Learning Center and home learning environments, in line with Element’s philosophy of self-directed learning and the development of mastery, autonomy, and purpose for students and the adults who serve as their guides.

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