Feeling Felt

Written By Lois Ingber

In the movie “Shrek,” Lord Farquaad justifies his unkind comments about the ogre by saying, “It’s not as if it has feelings.” This line emphasizes that what makes us truly human is our ability to experience feelings, as well as being able to empathize with another’s feelings.

Therapists are stereotyped as always asking, “What are you feeling?” This is not insignificant, as feelings serve as a barometer or clue to evaluating what we are experiencing, enabling us to then decide what action to take in response. Neuroscientist, Dan Siegel, sums it up with the phrase, “Name it to tame it.”

Identifying feelings takes practice, whether for ourselves or others. When we help others “name it,” they “feel felt” which builds understanding, empathy and connection. This YouTube video makes the point with a bit of humor.

Challenge: Use this sentence frame to validate someone else’s feeling: “You felt (sad) that (you didn’t get to play with your friend).” - or – “You feel (excited) that (you are now able to drive).” What is the person’s reaction?

Lois Ingber

LOIS INGBER, Behavioral Counselor, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Positive Discipline Lead Trainer.  Lois holds a Bachelor Degree in Sociology from UCLA and a Masters in Social Work degree from SDSU where her focus area was Children, Youth, and Families.  Lois has worked in social service, private practice, hospital, clinic, and school settings, most recently for seventeen years at Rady Children’s Outpatient Psychiatry providing school-based counseling services.  Lois was a Community Montessori and Dehesa parent prior to joining the staff in 2016 and brings this perspective to her role.   Lois is responsible for providing education, collaboration, and support implementing the Positive Discipline model and social/emotional competencies in the Learning Center and home learning environments, in line with Element’s philosophy of self-directed learning and the development of mastery, autonomy, and purpose for students and the adults who serve as their guides.

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